hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
