Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
