spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
