hotel room ftw
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
