You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I want a musical about memes.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
