Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
