ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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