she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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