You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
