i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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