Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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