69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
