i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize