The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize