Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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