Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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