i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
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