I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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