You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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