Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
