I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize