I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
