i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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