glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
