She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
