i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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