I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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