If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
