i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
