I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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