What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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