You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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