Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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