I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
