textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
