Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
