if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
