We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's no shave November. This is our time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
