something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
