i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize