he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
