Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i would punch a child for taco bell
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
