I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
