you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
