I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
