my phone needs a breathalizer
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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