I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
