I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
