So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
