My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
