just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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