I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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