Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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