are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
