remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
