Me too!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
