Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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